Ultimate X #5

Really wanted to get off this Ultimate kick I've been on, give you readers some more variety, but I just couldn't pass this up, especially since I condemned this same comic in my very first review post.

This is the last issue of a 5 issue mini. The first issue came out in February 2010. Nearly 17 months.

   Now, for my readers who are new to comics, I'm going to give you all a crash course on a man named Jeph Loeb, considering how important he is to the ultimate universe, and how much I hate him. A long long time ago, Loeb was known as a good writer. His runs on Batman, such as Long Halloween, are critically acclaimed. Then something happened to ol' Jeph. Maybe it was the death of his son. I don't know. But what I do know is that his writing went to absolute shit. 

    My first exposure to Loeb was on The Hulk. After coming off the incredible Planet Hulk arc, Loeb was given the reigns of the title. He chose to ignore all of Hulk's character development during Planet Hulk, as well as introduce a new, mystery nemesis for The Hulk: Red Hulk. Red Hulk talked like a badass and kicked everyone's ass and broke all the rules. Like punching Uatu the Watcher in the face while saying "Shut the *&%$ up!" or taking Thor's hammer and jumping with it into space. You may be asking yourself, "I thought only those who are worthy could lift Thor's hammer?" And you'd be correct. Red Hulk explained to Thor(And by extension, the reader) that it doesn't count as lifting if he just grabs it and jumps. Then he jumped into space. Then he proceeded to beat Thor's ass with his own hammer, saying it doesn't count as lifting in space because there's no gravity. Then he left a beaten Thor on the moon. That was all in like the first 6 issues.

   Ok, I went off on a bit of a tangent there. I'm going to make a post later this week about Ultimatum, Loeb's lobotomy of the Ultimate universe.

    There's not really anything to spoil about Ultimate X, and if you are upset that I spoiled something in it for you, then you're probably on the wrong blog, because you and I ain't gonna be friends.

    Ultimate X's cast consists of: Jimmy Hudson; Wolverine's son whom he gave up for adoption, has all of his father's powers, plus the ability to make his claws metal, which hasn't been explained to us yet. Karen Grant, AKA Jean Grey, who changed her name and went into hiding after the events of ultimatum. She dyed her hair, and, if the artist is to be believed, got a major boob job. But comic book boobs are neither here nor there, so let's move on. Derek Morgan, a mutant from Chicago who can grow wings and talons and sharp teeth and make his eyes turn red. If I didn't know better I'd say Rob Liefeld had something to do with him. Liz Allen, a former classmate of Peter Parker, who has Firestar's powers, basically being the Human Torch but not actually being on fire. And the Hulk. Loeb shouldn't be allowed within 100ft of any comic featuring the Hulk.

    At the start of this issue, Jimmy goes to buy some beer, but being underage, he is refused. He's then assaulted outside the liquor store by Sabertooth, who hates him on principle due to him being Wolverine's son. Sabertooth beats him savagely, and his wounds aren't healing at their usual Wolverine pace. This is never explained. Not once do they try and tell us why they won't heal, they just won't. So Jean decides they need some more muscle on the team, so she seeks out Bruce Banner, who is hiding form S.H.I.E.L.D, since he was supposed to have been executed following a rampage. Jean convinces him to join with them, and they're confronted by the remains of the Brotherhood of Mutants: Quicksilver, Mystique, Sabertooth, and The Blob.  The Hulk returns the beating to Sabertooth, Mystique points a stupidly big gun at the Hulk, and everyone agrees to disagree and goes their own way. Then they get back to their base(a hotel room), Jimmy wakes up, and Nick Fury comes in and reveals he's known about them since the beginning. Then Jean declares they're going to be superheroes, going places the Ultimates can't due to being government sanctioned. Basically they declare themselves the new X-men.

   I'm not okay with any of this. Nothing about Ultimate X has made any sense, and, despite most people not being thrilled with Ultimate X-Men, especially in it's twilight, I always loved it. And when I heard it was getting brought back I was psyched. Now, not so much. With Bendis and Millar trying very hard to rebuild the Ultimate universe after Loeb's meddling, I hate to see him have any say in it's direction.

Ultimate Avengers vs. New Ultimates 5

Hmm. More Ultimate Marvel stuff this first week than I was hoping. Oh well, it's heading towards a big relaunch anyway, so I suppose this is to be somewhat expected.

    So, Ultimate Avengers vs. New Ultimates(UAvNU). With Ultimate in the title twice it must be good! Actually it's just kind of okay. For those of you somewhat unfamiliar, this 6 part mini-series details a conflict between The Ultimates(basically the Avengers of the ultimate universe. Yeah, I know you'd think the Ultimate Avengers would be the Avengers, but they aren't.) and the Avengers(a shadow team created by the supposedly dead Nick Fury).  Both teams found intel that the leader of the other team, Carol Danvers and Nick Fury respectfully, are supplying superhumans to North Korea. This leads to an all out conflict between the two teams, with poor Spider-man caught in the middle(See: Ultimate Death of Spider-man).

Despite my previous assertion that I wouldn't say it anymore, I decided to be nice. Spoilers begin here. (Aeris dies, rosebud was his sled, etc.)

   To begin, I don't much care for Gregory Stark. He's a superfluous character, who, like much of the Ultimate Avengers, was created because Mark Millar didn't get to write the New Ultimates, so he invented a bunch of characters so he didn't have to alter his ideas much. Gregory Stark is basically Nemesis(Millar's terrible creation). He has plans within plans and they kick the crap out of your plans. So that tainted the issue for me. As did the revelation that The Spider was just an experiment of his. I was hoping for extradimensional shenanigans, so this wasn't much of a payoff for me. The thing with Cash was okay, except for everybody hulking out, that seemed a little silly. On the plus side, I feel Leinel Yu's art works better for something a bit grittier like this than it did for Secret Invasion.(I also didn't like his tendency to draw strong chins on everyone in a story involving aliens who had chins as a major defining feature).

Overall, the mini isn't bad, the issue is probably one of, if not the, weakest in the series. I'm just kind annoyed all this is needed to bring the universe back to something resembling it's pre-Ultimatum days. I hate Jeph Loeb so much. So goddamn much.

Ultimate Death of Spider-Man

Ok, so, my first one is going to be a doozy it seems. Wasn't planning this, but it didn't make sense to skip what is probably the biggest comic of the week. Spoilers ahead, and this will probably be the last time I say that in this blog, because, really, if you're reading a review of something you don't want spoiled, you're a stupid.

    I'm going to start by saying I've enjoyed this arc, and really, Ultimate Spider-Man as a whole, save for the art switch after Ultimatum, but even that I got used to once they ditched round head Spider-man. Sadly though, I found this issue...underwhelming. It wasn't a bad issue by any means, but if it weren't in a comic called DEATH OF SPIDER-MAN, I would just assume he was going to wake up in the hospital next issue and everything would be cool. Which I guess may still happen, but dear god I hope it doesn't.

   To break it down, beating all the other villains(especially Aunt May shooting Electro, that kicked ass) to leave this as purely an Osborn vs. Peter duel was a good decision on paper, but in practice it fell short. I think it was primarily due to inconsistent power match-ups. Osborn is stronger and is on fire. Peter can't trade blows with him, to win he needs to finish it with a few deft hits, such as MJ and the van, and Peter with the, uh, van. Waking up the Human Torch to have do to shit felt like a couple pages of filler, and the constant "Aunt May we need to leave oh but I can't he's my nephew oh but we really have to go cuz he told us to" also got to me.

   Still, like I said earlier, on the whole, a solid arc. Not my favorite, that's probably one of the Venom or Carnage ones(and I don't even like 616 Venom/Carnage), but still worth my time, and my interest is piqued for (sigh) yet another relaunch of the Ultimate line.

   Except for Ultimate X. Fuck Ultimate X.